An Open Letter: What It’s Like Losing a Dad

I am young but I feel a thousand times older than my peers because of what I’ve been through. What I’ve been put through. I feel like I’m fighting a never ending battle of trying to prove to myself – and to my father – that I am not someone worth leaving. I am someone putting up a fight for. 

It has been years since you left us but my question still remains the same. Why?

Why did you started a family when you’re not going to commit to us? Why did you love us for years and then disappear like thin air? Why did you make me feel not wanted? Why did it never occur to you that my siblings and I needed a father while growing up? Why did you let yourself fail as a father? Why… did you leave? 

How ironic because you were supposed to be the one preventing me from getting my heart broken by boys but instead, you were the one who first tore my heart open. If the man who put me into this world didn’t want me, what more with other people? 

I hope you know how I struggled opening myself to people and how I got trust issues because of you. I hope you know how hard it was, and still is, for me to talk about you without breaking down. I hope you were here when I needed someone to talk to and when no one, not even my friends, can understand me. I hope I could talk to you about school and how the people there never really get me. I hope you know how much hatred I am also feeling. My siblings and I do not deserve this. No one does. I hope you know you got three wonderful children wishing for a better life.

You know what’s actually worse than losing a father by death? It’s losing a father by choice. I waited for your explanation but I got tired of your petty messages talking shit about mom. I wanted to believe that it wasn’t your fault but you were the first to give up and what does that sum up? I had high expectations for our family. But okay. I lost my home when I was a kid. I grew up envying other children’s fathers. I grew up thinking I will never marry a person like you. I grew up thinking less and less of you. 

Either way, I hope you are happy and contented with your life without us because we are – at least I’m trying – without you. I wanted to scream at you and tell you every curse word there is but what would be the point? You still wouldn’t realize our worth. You still won’t come back. And let me just tell you: one day, the world’s going to know our name. We’re going to do it without you. And you’re going to regret it. 

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For complaints, questions, suggestions:

Gmail: jianni13tayswift@gmail.com

Twitter: @jiannivinisej

Instagram: jiannithegreatandpowerful

– Jianni Vinise 🌸

Yoü

I was holding you tight because I didn’t want anyone else to. 

We were sitting side by side on a typically quiet cafe and you were looking out at the window. You wanted me to tell you when I felt at my safest so then you’d know me more. But how could I tell you the story completely when it is right now? How could I tell you I felt safest when I’ve got your hand intertwined with mine while you’re asking me to tell you this exact story? 

“You’ll know one day,” said I, who was staring at the ball of sunshine that was you. You shrugged and forgot about it and we talked and touched and talked and touched some more. I was opening myself to you and I was not scared one bit. 

I know we were going to last. Well, at least that’s what I thought. But you stopped holding my hand, you stopped making me feel safe. You stopped being the man I fell for. I want to ask you what changed and what made you change but I don’t think I can handle your answers. I would rather kill myself in paranoia than be killed by reality. 

I know then we were over.

We were sitting side by side, with a fair amount of distance from each other, at a bench we both found nearby. We were both avoiding each other’s eyes. I asked you to ask me again when I felt I am safest. 

“Okay, when?” You looked at the gray sky that will probably be pouring a lot of rain later.

“Look at me first,” I forced myself to look back at you when you did because this might be the last time I’d see eyes as pretty as yours. 

“Now.” 

He looked away and stared blankly ahead and shook his head. “I’m sorry,” you said, hugging yourself as the wind blew and stood up, getting ready to walk out of this conversation, of my life. 

You’re sorry because you made me feel vulnerable when I thought I was safest? You’re sorry because you made me feel desperate? Because no matter how much you try, I will never be the one you’ll stay for? Guess I’ll never know. 

I’m sorry, too, for holding you so tight you needed to breathe a fresher air.

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Disclaimer

photos are not mine*

For complaints, questions, suggestions:

Gmail: jianni13tayswift@gmail.com

Twitter: @jiannivinisej

Instagram: @jiannithegreatandpowerful

Facebook: Jianni Vinise Jao

– Jianni Vinise 🌸

Publishing a Dream

It will hurt. It will take time. It will require dedication. It will require willpower. You will need to make healthy decisions. It requires sacrifice. But when you reach your dream, it will be worth it.

– unknown

I am Jianni Vinise, a 16-year old aspiring Filipina writer who spends her alone time reading a book and looking up aesthetic images on Pinterest. Just like any other teenager, I’m having trouble loving myself and fitting in with the society’s unbelievable standards. 

It has always been my dream to write and inspire millions of people, both young and once young. Today, September 2, 2017, I will be following my dream by stepping into the world of blogging. I hope you will stick around to see my progress as a writer. 

I will be writing for the people who are having a hard time finding comfort in their selves, for the lonely, for the happy, for everyone, for me. I hope you will love this as much as I already do.

You must think, “Why should I come here?”

If you’re here, and if you will be reading my next blogs, you must really be relating to what I am and will be writing(or I am really just a good writer or/and you’re bored lol).

As a teenager, I will be writing what concerns teenagers most. Topics about confidence, family, guys, girls, love, school and technically anything we, teenagers, feel and go through everyday.

We are a family here, and so I am encouraging you to talk to me. I will listen. Also, if you’ve got any complaints, questions, or suggestions below are my social networking sites. Feel free to message me any time!! 

Gmail: jianni13tayswift@gmail.com (Yes, I am a swiftie. Don’t judge!! 😝)

Twitter: @jiannivinisej

Instagram: @jiannithegreatandpowerful

Facebook: Jianni Vinise Jao

– Jianni Vinise 🌸